According to the renowned scientist, Dr. Evil, a person’s “Mojo” is “The libido. The life force. The essence. The right stuff. What the French call a certain… I don’t know what.”

Basically what it’s like is, it’s like pornography. Hard to describe, but you know it when you see it.

Since Tiger Woods was born it was apparent to everyone he was positively dripping in Mojo. He had oodles and oodles of it. Yet now, after a whack with a five-iron and a tussle with that fire hydrant six months ago, it’s dried up and gone and unless something amazing happens, like an Austin Powers-ish time travelling event, he might not be able to get it back.

Last week’s WGC-Bridgestone Invitational in Akron, Ohio – a tournament he’d won seven times previously and never finished worse than fourth – marked his career low point in a career that previous to this year never really had one.

Looking back now, he was out of it on the first tee on the first day. Driving it wildly into the bush, it never got out. His 77 on Sunday left him at 298 in a tie for 78th place in the field of 80 at the Bridgestone Invitational. That 18-over par performance was his highest stroke and score in relation to par in a PGA Tour, 72-hole event ever.

He has shot higher in a tournament before truth to be told. The last time he did he was 11.

Since his return to competitive golf at the Masters, Woods has played in only eight tournaments; by this time last year, he’d played in 17. He hasn’t come close to winning a single one of them.

How far has he fallen? Last year, a comeback year for him after surgery, he was 23rd in Putting Average. Now he’s No. 129th. He was 16th in Greens in Regulation Percentage. Now he’s No. 166. He was No. 1 in the FedEx Cup standings last year. Now he’s 119th.

Now Corey Pavin, the Ryder Cup captain, is openly debating if Tiger Woods should be even be on this year’s team.

It’s hilarious listening to the guys on the tube trying to figure out what’s wrong. They’re all “swing planes” and how he’s “getting stuck” and “flipping it” other such nonsense. Dr. Gregg Steinberg, a sports psychologist to a bunch of PGA tour players was quoted saying “I think what’s going on with Tiger is he has this immense stress that he may not be appreciative of that’s affecting and leaking into his game.”

Ya think? Jeez. Eight years for that.

Seriously, people, it’s patently obvious what Tiger’s problem is, and also for patently obvious reasons, no one is talking about it, at least publically.

After the incident with the Escalade and his Swedish wife going all Girl With the Dragon Tattoo on his noggin, he publically came out and apologized to everyone and anyone declaring “I owe it to my family to become a better person, I owe it to those close to me to become a better man. … I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it.”

Well, who knows how that’s going, but all this “dedicating to be a better person” stuff sure as hell kicked the crap out of what he was really good at – and that’s being the most dominant athlete of his time.

Elin is gone and gone for good reportedly. So, if he wants to be the guy he used to be, it’s time for him to stop trying to strive to be something he’s not.

What Tiger needs is to be Tiger.

And Tiger, when he was Tiger, was an egomaniacal sex addict who loved to do the nasty with a whole bunch of women, and hopefully all at the same time.

That’s what Tiger needs to do to get his Mojo back if he has any chance at winning the PGA Championship this weekend.

Or to paraphrase another line from another classic movie of our time, Good Morning Vietnam, Tiger Woods is “in more dire need of a blowjob than any man in history.”

Cheers – Gavin McDougald – AKA Couch