New York, New York is all up in arms about Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg, but they should realize, when it comes to athletes injuring themselves, that’s just not going to make the grade.

Uber-lame as it was – aided and abetted by his protracted lying about how he managed to nearly pop his own kneecap – his doesn’t make it near the top of the list of athletes who have taken themselves off the playing field when they were nowhere near it.

Why? Because that’s what guns are supposed to do.

Shoot people.

No, to be truly special, the injuries have to be of the shaking-your-head variety.

Like the time Sammy Sosa went on the DL after straining his back while sneezing. Or when Adam Eaton accidentally stabbed himself in the tummy opening a DVD.

Baseball players are particularly fragile it seems.

Tom Glavine broke a rib after he puked-up an in-flight meal. Joel Zumaya missed the 2006 ALCS due to a wrist injury aggravated by playing too much Guitar Hero. Kansas City Royal Jimmy Gobble got some time off after he “accidentally” kicked a cactus while golfing. Detroit Tiger Brandon Inge had to sit for a 15-days spell this summer because he strained a stomach muscle puffing up a pillow for his three-year-old son. Jeff Kent missed all of the 2002 spring training after breaking his wrist while either washing his truck or while taking a break from truck washing and popping wheelies on his motorcycle.

But those pale in comparison to the nocturnal antics of Glenallen Hill. While playing for the Toronto Blue Jays, Hill had a particularly realistic nightmare about being chased by giant spiders around his Skydome hotel suite.  Instead of just waking up and shaking it off, Hill instead threw himself out of bed, crawled frantically down the suite’s stairs giving himself carpet burns on his knees and elbows and finished it all off by throwing himself through a glass table.

He is now aptly nicknamed “Spiderman.”

Baseballers aren’t the only physically gifted ones who have a penchant for self-mutilation.

Golfers are up there as well.

Jim Furyk injured his neck while brushing his teeth. Mike Weir lost most of the 2005 season due to a back injury he suffered after falling asleep on his bathroom floor. Hunter Hass nearly lost his thumb assembling a scooter for his 1-year old daughter Piper. It’s clear they should all stay out of the water. Ernie Els was the number two player in the world when he wrecked his knee while tubing and still hasn’t made it all the way back. Just on Monday, Adam Scott suffered a knee injury knocking him out of the Australian PGA Championship, not while surfing, but walking on the shore after surfing.

As for the other sports, here’s just a brief sample. The Jacksonville Jaguars lost not one kicker but two when punter Chris Hanson and placekicker Jaret Holmes fell victim to vicious fondue pot. The legendary “Chocolate Thunder,” Darryl Dawkins didn’t slice his hand open on a smashed backboard, but instead on a broken dinner plate that he was washing. Hockey star Jose Theodore ironically broke his ankle after he slipped on an icy driveway. New York Giant Chase Blackburn suffered an inner ear injury after he shoved a Q-tip in too far.

Finally, 49ers legend Roger Craig missed time (and caught mucho grief) after he cut his hand while adjusting his wife’s bra strap.

No, Plaxico must get far more creative if he wants to make the A-Team on this list.

Guns are just so yesterday.

Cheers – Gavin McDougald – AKA Couch